Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.

Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”

My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”

Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*

Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?

I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.

The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.

Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed

Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?

the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?

No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.

I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.

Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early

Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.

Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors

When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery

,,,and send

my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.

I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I don’t know when to quit.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Me: I quit.

“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?

Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.

Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.

2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics

Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.

My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot