Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
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I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
everyone on this flight out of Philly was relying on the guy who shelled out for in flight wifi to periodically announce the score on the eagles game like the town crier in a midsized medieval village
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
I’ve been playing fast and loose with expiration dates ever since I watched a documentary about a British man who lives entirely off road kill.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
I have so many questions.
