Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[applying for a home loan]

Lender: how much is your car payment

Me: uhh

Lender: what’s your salary before taxes

Me: umm

Lender: do you know anything

Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”

Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.

“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”

-actual message from my mom

Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it

me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.

I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”

UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!

Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.

I miss this era type of pranks😭

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.

I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.

Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings

Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.

There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.

Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer

My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv

Jungle book…she meant jungle book

[Inspecting car]

*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”

A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

B: You mean a choir?

A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.

GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol

ANGEL: What

GOD: Cat snake lmao

Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already

A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.

A Pringles Tube but for Donuts

“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”

Two seconds later:

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”

If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.