Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.

surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here

Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.

A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.

sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big

I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.

She puts the hot in psychotic

Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.

This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.

[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]

Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?

Me: yeah

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”

At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.

It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.

*sips wine*

[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*

Priest: the bride, sir

Okay this one takes it home

[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews

“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”

If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.

One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children

“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries

On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.

It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim

had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes

if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns

My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”

Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.

[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?

I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene