Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interrogation room]

me: tell us

criminal: he’ll kill me if i do

me: you’re making my partner very angry

my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]

criminal: i-

me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off

Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.

Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.

One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.

My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”

How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In knotsies.

(The unfollow button is only a click away)

ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!

… and be generous with the lollipops

– me holding up a bank

I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me

Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.

[first date]

HER: I’m a really big cat person

ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat

Interior design 👌

My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.

My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.

WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks

I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.

Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.

When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.

If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.

absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker

Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!

Me: Where are you going?

Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.

[later]

Me: How was your trip?

Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.

Husband: I don’t understand

Kids: MOM MOM

H: how we are not

K: DAD DAD

H: able to get

K: MOM MOM

H: more done around the house?

Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD

H: Never mind.

#MeanwhileinCanada

can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude

Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?

Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?

Astrologer: no

Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.

This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.

I call this the Heineken maneuver.

[getting murdered]

“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”