Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.

*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies

I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.

Wife: I am angry with you.

Husband: Again or Still ?

Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)

I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.

Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.

I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.

I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.

(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?

Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.

I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?

Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.

They irony of being hit by a Dodge.

Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually

Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.

held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast

Justify your alcoholism by having children.

With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.

Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise

I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.

Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…

How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?

It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.

u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question

Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old

The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade

Not muting your mic is the new reply all