Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
You Might Also Like
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
me when I see my crush
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.