Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.

A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.

Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.

I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.

Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020

Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time

Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.

The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.

Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?

You: (about to show me a video on your phone)

Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it

[bedroom]

Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished

Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*

Me: no please I forgot the safe word

[texting]

you mean the wolf to me

-wolf?

ha! autocorrect fail!

-lol

what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!

He’s my kinda people.

Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.

Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.

Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things

My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?

Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!

Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day

Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:

My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent

Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together

The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.

I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.

*me, talking to my dogs

Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet

jesus christ confetti not now

When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are

Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

– Mark Twain