Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back

When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.

Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:

Him: The best part of my day was-

Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?

Him: Watching TV.

Me: Oh, ok.

Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!

Me: yeah???

Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.

Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.

I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.

i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.

#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”

The toothpick museum hates to see me and my mini chainsaw coming.

“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”

– Kids

Me: “Time to go to sleep.”

My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”

I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.

A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.

Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”

He’s so proud of his work! 🤣

Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.

Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at

hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it

beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?

It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime

Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…

Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.