Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah

requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”

3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!

Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??

7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!

Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.

Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?

But it’s not the “worst way” either…

Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause

“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”

Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked

Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.

ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.

GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired

It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works

I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall

waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes

they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.

If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I

That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”

[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature

Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Jennifer? Most people love it.

Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks

“It’s been months since I got laid.”

– Baby chickens

new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby

friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop

Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to

friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha

Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that

You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.

Waiter: how did u find your meal

Me: *sweating* i…i looked down

jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!

Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.