Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
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Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.