Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?

Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last

I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me

Whoever came up with the name parking garage really nailed it.

I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.

Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.

sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”

and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭

My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.

Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by saying they look tired.

Shower sex be like:

A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys

I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.

Kids are so inquisitive.

“Will robots ever take over the world?”

Me: “Almost certainly.”

“But when? Before I die?”

“A bit before, yes.”

My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.

No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*

Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.

The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.

[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?

my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)

Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.

apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?