Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
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Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
The opposite of goth is stopth.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers