Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*overheard in 6’s virtual class*

6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.

Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?

I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life

The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it

Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *

Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!

ME: *playing the piano*

WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh

ME: Why thank you, honey

{three days later}

ME: Wait a second

Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No

Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.

Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded

Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.

Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.

They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.

Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?

With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose

STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves

I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”

Them: You’re too focused on revenge

Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.

[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.

She’ll come back knocking!!!

I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.

If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.

Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.

Sachets away.