Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
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the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.