Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.

My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.

I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?

My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method

My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.

Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.

Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”

One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday

*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial

A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want

I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.

Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.

It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.

Remember mad cow disease?

Good times.

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

Wife: Will you rub my back?

Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night

When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼‍♂️

[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]

Me: hold on I gotta take this

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…

My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona

A haiku about getting the kids up for school:

Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus

A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:

“That’s a bit of a blow”

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?

Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally

People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.

Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days