Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
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Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.