Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??

I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.

Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other

I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.

I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.

I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.

Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.

i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that

My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:

“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”

“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”

“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”

I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.

ㅤ

I’m white, but…

Nope. Can’t do one of those today.

Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.

I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.

does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.

I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.

Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.

Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.

*Pulls up to drive-thru window*

“Extra toilet paper please”

Do you mean napkins?

“Sure, whatever”

I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

Date: everything ok?

Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife

Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?

Me: tonight if you play your cards right

If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.

TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.

Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.

I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude

Now, where’s the sport in that?

My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”

Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.

Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.