Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
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Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!