I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
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HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.