Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.

“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”

“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”

And those were his last words

“How can I help u, Bowser?”

I need a loan

“For ANOTHER castle?”

A flying castle

“U have like 24 already”

IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER

February 27th, 2020.

I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.

Never give up on your dreams, kids.

So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.

You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.

Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.

Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.

I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.

I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.

A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.

my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”

Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.

New Guy: No problem. And do we-?

Me: Thats it! You’re fired!

When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days

£900 pound for an iPhone 6?

Airplane mode better take me on holiday

Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.

Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.

Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.

Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”

you have three unread messages

Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.

Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.

If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?

One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”