Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.

bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money

1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.

I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.

Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.

On my tombstone:

She died still despising
deconstructed food

Them: you should buy crypto

Me:

Them: ok sell it now

Me:

Them: nvm buy it back

Me:

Them: OMG SELL IT

Me: [pulls AirPods out] what

[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.

Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?

Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book

My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it

let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off

*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!

Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt

My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.

Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss

Me: please don’t; it’ll get better

Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-

Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison

At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.

Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.

My fortune cookie message read :

“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….

Uh huh ….

[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?

Her: I just feel so alone

Him: Jesus loves you

Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up

If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.

Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help

My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now

cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball

(therapist voice)

Please, lie down on the shrouch.

CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.

Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.