Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
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I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda