Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
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It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied