Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.

It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

#ParentingFacts

Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.

My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill

10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.

As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”

I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.

Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right

*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.

Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time

I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?

Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

How do some animals just abandon their young like that??

After kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

[Takes notes]

Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone

saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her

Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.

ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.

“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire

If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨

Is “drunk” an emotion?

Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….

3yo: dad.

Me: why aren’t you sleeping?

3yo: I am sleeping.

Me: then why are we talking?

3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.

Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.

Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE