Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit

Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.

Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.

My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband

I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.

Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.

Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.

dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do

ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs

[Starbucks]

“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”

Barista: Is Pepsi ok?

Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”

*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers

“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.

I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.

This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.

Pretty ironic if you ask me.

Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”

And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!

This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show

What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?

I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler

[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*

[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*

Open for business, 24/7

~my stomach

Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.