Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
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I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Brilliant!
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!