@fishbowel

Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*

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@CharlieDinkin

If you’re feeling worried about how little you’ve achieved, remember that Bram Stoker didn’t write Dracula until he was 50, and Dracula didn’t kill anyone until he was dead.

@PaperWash

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

@KentWGraham

Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.

@JasonLastname

I bet the best massage in the world is getting attacked by a toothless shark.

@LizHackett

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

@thejamietighe

*rides in on giant turtle*

Me:Sorry I’m late.

Boss:You rode that to work?

Me:No, went to the zoo.

*phone rings*

Me:That’ll be the zoo.

@Matt_The_1st

Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.

@UncleDuke1969

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

@Crunch11b

“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”

-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.