2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
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Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Attractive people, have the decency to leave news and comedy to the rest of us.
*sees he owns a cat*
Him: Are you a cat or a dog person?
*maintains eye contact*
*pushes cat off the table*