@LisforLia

Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link

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@MattMcC1

2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.

@rockymomax

Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good

@noog

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

@13Tink5

People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show

@RandiLawson

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

@ddsmidt

If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.

@3sunzzz

I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.

@anylaurie16

Attractive people, have the decency to leave news and comedy to the rest of us.

@MartaEffing

[first date]
Me:
*sees he owns a cat*
Him: Are you a cat or a dog person?
Me:
*maintains eye contact*
*pushes cat off the table*
*leaves*