@LisforLia

Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link

You Might Also Like

@jwoodham

DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.

@sofarrsogud

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where

@Hobo_Splendido

Interviewer: “Do you have any hobbies?”

Moosehead on wall: “Ventriloquism”

@Gotham3

If I got a dollar every time a girl said I wasn’t her type, I’d be her type.

@GrantTanaka

been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that

@samdunsiger

Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.

@KyleSmells

when you have 47 tabs open, a netflix movie running, and a zoom meeting that’s minimized on your little laptop

@dafloydsta

ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live

Me: is there anything you can do?

Doctor: I can juggle

Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that

Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks