Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link

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DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.



Absolutely nobody:

Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where


Interviewer: “Do you have any hobbies?”

Moosehead on wall: “Ventriloquism”


If I got a dollar every time a girl said I wasn’t her type, I’d be her type.


been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that


Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.


when you have 47 tabs open, a netflix movie running, and a zoom meeting that’s minimized on your little laptop


ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.


Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live

Me: is there anything you can do?

Doctor: I can juggle

Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that

Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks