Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.

If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people

Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.

I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”

My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.

*Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.

Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?

When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.

Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.

Is fructose made with real fruct?

ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.

ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others

me: thats not me

Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you

me: nah thats not me

ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

ㅤ

Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.

ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism

Welcome to adulthood.

Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.

Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”

before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.

What do best men at weddings in France do?

Making French toasts!

#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.

her: this is the worst date EVER

me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.