Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

Her: I like guys that are confident

Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire

My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.

I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.

Nice try, poison.

“I think therefore I am”

–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.

Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.

My Son: It’s really fancy!

Me: It’s the best!

~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty

[MOM GROUP CHATS]

Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.

[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍

The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.

I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year

I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.

Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“

Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…

Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.

😂

I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.

“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.

Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

Considering “natural” childbirth?

You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.

Mechanic said I blew a seal…

Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.

Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07

hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard

i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not