Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.

All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant

Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.

What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?

Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.

Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

ㅤ

It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”

I told her I’d have eight, please.

Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.

Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.

This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.

me: [climbing a tree]

bonsai artist: please stop

Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*

Phone: *ding*

Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?

they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way

Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.

“I’m still a virgin”

-theres plenty of fish in the sea

“Ur right. I’ll find someone”

-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman

Smooooooth

I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.

Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.

If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…

Then it’s a soap opera!

WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT