me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
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Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Cause of death: Zumba
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
can you read it!!??
maan!
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.