My daughter wants a pony and my wife wants a new dishwasher, so I’m compromising and buying them a goat.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
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It’s too human to go outside.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me: Give me a minute
Kim on FB needs help deciding if the snot in her kid’s nose is from allergies or not.
His Dr. says yes, but she really needs your opinion.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Missing a period is probably a Grammar Nazi’s worst nightmare.