@dxxnya

me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare

doctor:

me:

doctor: dare

You Might Also Like

@mrtruthandsoul

My daughter wants a pony and my wife wants a new dishwasher, so I’m compromising and buying them a goat.

@ThugRaccoons

Son: Thanks for the dating advice

Her: HE gave you dating advice?

Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women

Her: Name one

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: Well?

Me: Give me a minute

@wickedsuga

Kim on FB needs help deciding if the snot in her kid’s nose is from allergies or not.

His Dr. says yes, but she really needs your opinion.

@PAT_E_ROCK

I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

@GingerHotDish

I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?

@Megatronic13

My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.

@OneFunnyMummy

My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.

@GrantTanaka

[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]

@7edhead

Missing a period is probably a Grammar Nazi’s worst nightmare.