Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
I hope you folks are recycling correctly
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
