Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
“TGIM!” – My liver
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
