Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
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I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.