Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
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BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.