Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
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Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother