Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”

[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!

Me: *stands on one leg*

My flamenco teacher: No.

My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.

*Signs into Facebook

“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere

*Agrees

*Deletes Facebook

The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer

Mrs The Godfather: WHAT

they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a parapsychologist.

Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?

I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE

The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)

A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.

Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.

my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one

Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought

Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.

Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:

– Tweezers

Tell me your dreams and fantasies!

Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.

Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.

Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?

I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation

If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.

🤣

“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”

-Unorganized Crime

Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale

It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.

doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?

patient: yes, on my mother’s side

doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes