Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
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Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
“I’m sorry”:
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volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
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volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%