Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
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Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA