Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
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Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Only a mother’s love …
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
I have never related to a cat more
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.