Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
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cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us