Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.

i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”

I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.

In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.

A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.

“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”

[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”

-cats

The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃

I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.

My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.

Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.

50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl

“old Victorian houses are charming”

I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF

Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages

Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.

just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot

I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.

“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”

Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.

ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?

DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine

Me: I need a vacation by myself.

Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.

4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?

Me: That’s an oddly specific question.

4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.

😂😂

my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice

how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands

What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?