Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
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My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Thinking about Jeff
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me: