Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
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Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”