Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
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Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it