Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
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Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
How funny!
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”