Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

“I didn’t come here to argue.”

– people who definitely came to argue.

For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns

Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist

UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”

UK, 2020 –

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.

Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*

Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.

Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.

I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.

Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!

ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!

ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!

Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.

me: the clogged sink is over here

plumber: (crawls under sink)

me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no

Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.

My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!

I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”

Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”

They will drive… super carefully.

*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*

The universe is so mysterious

Her: tell me want I want to hear baby

Me: your order is on its way

Her: oh god, yes!

houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…

Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life

Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.

Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???