Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up

Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”

Student: Would you use it in a sentence?

Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin

*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW

[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]

IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER

11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?

Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.

A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?

dutch is not a serious language

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or

*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken

Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)

Duck typos.

A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.

Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.

7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.

Light: Let there be light what?

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely

Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.

Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.