Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
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the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
If looks could kill
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.