Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
You Might Also Like
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I’m Sold!
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
i think both sides are to blame here
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.