Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
You Might Also Like
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good