Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[steps on scale]

Me *shrugs*: New year, more me

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it

ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you

Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?

I hate fungi but then it grew on me.

*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*

Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”

What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.

If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job

West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.

I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.

I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes

Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back

Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.

Fortune Cookie:

You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.

House for sale. Spider on ceiling.

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?

“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”

I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit

Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.

Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.

[At my funeral]

Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.

Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.