Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.

We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude

The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.

They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back

[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !

My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.

Pray for me.

Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*

My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.

My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.

Did you know?

A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.

And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.

My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.

Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds

*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*

Rich People Podcasts are wild.

*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way

Dudes named Chance never had one.

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar

Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.

My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.

Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?

“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”

at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.

Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!