Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
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May never get over this
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Covert ops
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”