Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”

At noon, we ride.*

*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.

Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.

Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week

Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit

Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*

when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”

Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?

As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.

My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?

Me: sorry I was talking to myself

College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.

Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.

Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?

Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.

Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.

You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.

the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there

‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.

Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”

Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.

They’re calling it the Apollo G.

[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms

I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning

“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.

i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings

When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.

Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]

Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly

– autocorrect

Me: I’d like the French dip

Waiter: Au jus?

Me: No, Catholic

we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse

I can never eat just one Christmas ornament