Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
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Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”
They were going to a funeral.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs