Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back

you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.

I’m Sold!

*inventing the mirror*

“People don’t have enough to worry about.”

Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean

If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’

t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t

~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.

You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.

Them: you can’t handle this d…

Me:

townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.

– Every kid ever.

Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.

The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.

[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what

Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?

Door frame: *exists

My shoulder: MUST. RUN. INTO. IT.

if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown

Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?

COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?

box: meow

schrodinger: ignore that

“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there

Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.