Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
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At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
me refusing to leave twitter
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
#Caturday
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes