Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ummm 😳

I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.

When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter

ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes

I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house

Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.

ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.

Also me: Yes, I can see that.

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.

ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?

WIFE: Google Earth

ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!

ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck

the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear

A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.

Me: Hi guys!

Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!

my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040

he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff

HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?

Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.

Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.

Marriage Counsellor: …