Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
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Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Ok cat haters, explain this…
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
i would wish you the best but i am the best
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.