Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]

Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”

Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”

Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”

friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason

Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on

CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!

Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?

Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.

Husband: *gives me two pancakes*

Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.

Husband: And?

Me: Keep stacking, buddy.

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head

How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?

ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.

GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?

This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….

You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun

Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.

If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge

There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.

“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”

Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?

i want to work in this restaurant

Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.

You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.

One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.

The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?

That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.

“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives

First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.

I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.

It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree