Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
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I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Maybe I’m delusional, but I swear this train is following me.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon