Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
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Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
“and how does that make you feel?”
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?