Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
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CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??