Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
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A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
selfie game
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
RT if you could go either way.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
don’t we all
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon