Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
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me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:beast:
beauty:
beast:
beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.