Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip:

Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex

Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now

Fog is like lingerie for the sky.

My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.

i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke

The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.

It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters

Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!

*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes

I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.

She bought me eye drops.

When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.

How high do the levels go?

It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.

I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still

When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.

Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.

Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.

[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.

I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!

“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”

Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.

Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”

* wishes on shooting star

” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”

who called it hell and not heaven’t