Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
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Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]