Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.

Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.

me: tries to sleep.

clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.

A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.

Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.

Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.

You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.

Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.

*walks into the funeral home*

*climbs into a coffin*

I’m ready when you are

Dude just wanted a popsicle…

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual

wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range

Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.

@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.

Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.

Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.

oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again

This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far

An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career

All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.

Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.

Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?

Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?

Wife: …

Me: No, I have not seen it.

Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.

Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.

What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall

3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.

Me:

Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.

Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.

*Looking to buy a house*

ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.

REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…

ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?