Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Grab me the red one

Dog: Not funny

marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.

*at the red lobster*

me: i will have the red lobster

waiter: okay

alien: greetings earthlings

me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language

alien: yeet us to yaass queen

me: *pinches nose* ffs

Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.

When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.

I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing

WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?

ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well

I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.

Show yourself some self-love.

No. Not in public.

My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.

I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.

*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*

“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”

[5 minutes later]

*Throws refrigerator out window*

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.

“I have a date with destiny”

Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions

Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.

SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER

This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood

People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.

Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”

Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side

I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.

beware of dog
(jukin media)

REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks

“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.