Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.

“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”

Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?

Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.

Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi

i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.

2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.

I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.

I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.

Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.

WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”

ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”

People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me

Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.

“I didn’t come here to argue.”

– people who definitely came to argue.

Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away

How’s it feel

My blood type is coffee.

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead Linda

A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.

cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”

bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah

Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.

Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.

Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,

Thanks!

20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him

40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU

SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!

– dogs

Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.

Wife: IT’S 8 AM

How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?

my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?

the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good

my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)

You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.