@panmidwest

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

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@LeahTiscione

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever

@PsstCaptain

Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.

@junejuly12

Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.

@treydayway

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

@meganamram

Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.

@KatieBurnett

I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off

@iLikeCatShirts

Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”

@RobocopLust

A portmanteau is when you combine 2 words to make 1 word. A great example of this is Groupon, a mixture of grey and poupon.

@TheToddWilliams

[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp