ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
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I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
happy friday
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”