ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

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Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever


Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.


Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.


I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.


Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.


I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off


Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”


A portmanteau is when you combine 2 words to make 1 word. A great example of this is Groupon, a mixture of grey and poupon.


[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp